I think I can

They say it takes 28 days to form a new habit or replace old habits and thoughts.

I've been working on developing new thought patterns for five years, and I'm still not there.

BT (my Bodhi Tree, if you will) would say, and has said, this indicates that I need a clearer picture of what I want to change. BT's mantra over the years has become "When you know what, you'll know how."

I've always found that to be a bit too simplistic for me.

In my case, I think my weird-ass blend of bipolar-ish disorder, ADD, and OCD has an unseemly amount of influence.

Yeah, I fall in the bipolar range. It pisses me off to be "in the spectrum", but that's for another day. My brand of BPD swings between three states: severely pissed off, depressed, and hysterical because I'm despairing and enraged at the same time. Good shit. I'd say that level of unpredictability would make it hard to maintain any attempts at lasting change.

Then, there are all of the external factors. All of us have friends, family, or just random assholes and angels who move through our lives. Sometimes they bring peace; sometimes they leave pieces. (Why does that sound like a greeting card??) At this point, I seem to have averaged about 50/50 on how I have affected others. But, I am a wrecking crew magnet.

If you are a person who attracts destructive forces BT would probably say, "You might want to look at that." No disrespect, BT, but telling me to just look hasn't worked in five years. We may want to look at that.

I Can't Believe I Said That

Liam fell off the chair we have on the front porch for him to sit and wave goodbye to Mamere. He's ok, just a goose-egg and a new found respect for staying off things.

I, on the other hand, I was so startled I turned into my mother circa 1996 - "I have had enough of this shit!"

My son was too far into his Toddler Tears to care, but my husband looked sick. As though I might fully morph into my sixty-odd years-old mother and never come back.

Is it wrong that it gave me ideas about how to scare him next time he doesn't want to get up with our son? Give granny some sugar, baby!


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Step One

The first thing you need when you decide to make any life-altering change is a plan. So, in the words of the person who got me started down this path, "What do you want to change?"

In the past, I've tried making changes that almost always failed. I would start a new fitness regime, only to run out of steam when stress piled up in my life. I would try to change my thought patterns, only to fall off track when I would feel too tired or agitated to focus on change. As for the spiritual side of things, let's just say that God, Allah, Susan - whatever name you want - probably has a back room betting operation on how long it takes for me to go off course again.

Oh, I have plenty of faith. I have plenty of brains and plenty of brawn, too. But I never seem to be able to get all three working at the same time.

Back, then, to the question at hand - what do I want to change? Well, first would have to be my job. I just went back to work, yesterday, after eight weeks of leave, only to find the place as depressing as ever. The job used to be fun, and everyone (ok, almost everyone) walked out laughing and smiling at the end of the day. Now, the fetid piss-stench of soured hope and decaying dreams fills the building.

And as bad as that sounds, I have to confess that complacency has kept me in place. I love the perks of my job, especially the discounts on services like my cell, and I can do the job half-comatose on migraine meds. I can't even say that last part about raising my son.

In conjuction with a job change, there has to be a change in diet and exercise. If I take a position, or secure the loan for my own company, it's going to require more energy than my current point-and-click position. And my son would like a mom with more pep, too.

Your (Not Really) Daily Dose

This is an old comic from Penny Arcade, and the sad part is that in four years, most of my tech support calls are from people like this. Actually, I think my brain may have snuck out like Tycho's, now that I try to think about it.

First post

The last few weeks I've been examining my life in a roundabout way for several courses I'm taking. I wasn't thrilled with what I saw, but on the other hand I've not killed anyone and at least my family likes me, so it could be worse! ^.^

In all seriousness though, my husband just took a 50% pay cut, I'm working a job I hate, and I hardly have time for my family. There's definitely room for improvement.

So that got me thinking. What do I want? I know the answer is different from when I was in high school or starting college, with big ideas (very skewed ideas) of how my life would go. 

Like the part about your metabolism going to hell along with your shoe size after pregnancy. None of the pregnancy books do it justice. And I don't mean weight - it's like my body looks at all the different chemical signals flying around and says, "Fuck it." Uh hello? How about some reparative work on my joints? Carrying a 10lb baby is no float in the birthing pool.

So, I'm overworked, running out of money, and practically dead spiritually and emotionally. I figured I'd let life take me to my poorly lubricated knees for a breather. Ouch!

And then I realized. When life takes you to your knees, it's what you do next that defines who you are.