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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I think I can

They say it takes 28 days to form a new habit or replace old habits and thoughts.

I've been working on developing new thought patterns for five years, and I'm still not there.

BT (my Bodhi Tree, if you will) would say, and has said, this indicates that I need a clearer picture of what I want to change. BT's mantra over the years has become "When you know what, you'll know how."

I've always found that to be a bit too simplistic for me.

In my case, I think my weird-ass blend of bipolar-ish disorder, ADD, and OCD has an unseemly amount of influence.

Yeah, I fall in the bipolar range. It pisses me off to be "in the spectrum", but that's for another day. My brand of BPD swings between three states: severely pissed off, depressed, and hysterical because I'm despairing and enraged at the same time. Good shit. I'd say that level of unpredictability would make it hard to maintain any attempts at lasting change.

Then, there are all of the external factors. All of us have friends, family, or just random assholes and angels who move through our lives. Sometimes they bring peace; sometimes they leave pieces. (Why does that sound like a greeting card??) At this point, I seem to have averaged about 50/50 on how I have affected others. But, I am a wrecking crew magnet.

If you are a person who attracts destructive forces BT would probably say, "You might want to look at that." No disrespect, BT, but telling me to just look hasn't worked in five years. We may want to look at that.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I Can't Believe I Said That

Liam fell off the chair we have on the front porch for him to sit and wave goodbye to Mamere. He's ok, just a goose-egg and a new found respect for staying off things.

I, on the other hand, I was so startled I turned into my mother circa 1996 - "I have had enough of this shit!"

My son was too far into his Toddler Tears to care, but my husband looked sick. As though I might fully morph into my sixty-odd years-old mother and never come back.

Is it wrong that it gave me ideas about how to scare him next time he doesn't want to get up with our son? Give granny some sugar, baby!